How to Make Your Colleagues Not Want to Kill You

After sitting through a number of meetings in the last few weeks, I've decided to create a run-down of proper etiquette.

1.) Show up on time or not at all.
2.) Turn off ALL cellphones! No one wants to hear your damn phone!
3.) Stick to the agenda...it's not a circus, its a meeting.
4.) No shameless self-promotion. This isn't a job fair.
5.) Don't scoff when its suggested that you listen to your constituents. They pay your salary.
6.) If you don't know what you're constituents want, you should probable get off your lazy, balding, greasy, fat, over-paid ass and go to a public meeting or workshop cluster
7.) Don't get snippy with the interns. They will bite.
8.) Fake Italian boots and Blues Bros. glasses just make you look silly.
9.) There's no such thing as a dumb question, just dumb people.
10.) Don't text and play games on your cell phone all meeting until the last 10 minutes and then decide to argue about points you were paying no attention to.
11.) When you're asked to suggest ideas to be included in a plan, just do what you're told.
12.) Don't waste everyone's time with questions that have no relevance to the meeting. Do that on your own time.
13.) Never show up to a meeting looking like a fat guy in a little coat.
14.) Don't just show up for the free food. It's obvious you haven't missed any meals.
15.) Don't bring a breakfast unless you have enough for everyone, and that orange juice isn't going to negate that breakfast burrito that you just shoved down your gullet.
16.) Go home, talk to your mother, and ask her to teach you how to dress for a meeting: polo's, gym shoes, and shirts without ties are NOT acceptable...ever.
17.) Learn how to tie a tie, its not like tieing your shoes.
18.) Don't chew gum when you talk, it makes you look like a cow.
19.) Don't get up, make a controversial statement, and then leave before the shit hits the fan.
20.) Learn how to use PowerPoint. We're not in kindergarten.
21.) Don't bring your own fan club just to make you look good. It will backfire.